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If you would like to submit a joke to this site, email me at the address below:
(no rude/obscene jokes will be displayed... well, most)

Welcome to the Bad Joke part of Michael Curry's Webpage!
Let the torture of the (mainly) bad jokes BEGIN!

Joke 1
Q. Why do chickens watch television?
A. For the hentertainment!

Joke 2
Q. Why do witches carry broomsticks?
A. Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!

Joke 3
Q. Where do wasps go on holiday?
A. Stingapore!

Joke 4
Q. Where do birds go to eat?
A. To a nestaurant!

Joke 5
Q. What do cannibals have for lunch?
A. Baked beings!

Joke 6
Q. What is white when it's dirty?
A. A Blackboard!

Joke 7
Q. What's crunchy and lives in the orient?
A. Sultan vinegar crisps!

Joke 8
Q. Why do barbers make good drivers?
A. Because they always know the short cuts!

Joke 9
Q. What do you call it when Father Christmas claps?
A. Santaplause!

Joke 10
Q. Why did Santa hand in his resignation?
A. Because there was no claus(e) in his contract!

Joke 11
Q. What happened to the reindeer who swallowed the Christmas tree?
A. He got tinselitus!

Joke 12
Q. Who often lives on water for three months?
A. A sailor.

Joke 13
Q. What goes up, but never comes down?
A. Your age!

Joke 14
Q. What do cannibals play?
A. Swallow my leader!

Joke 15
Q. How do you hire a horse?
A. You put a brick under each foot!

Joke 16
Woman: Officer, my wig has been stolen!
Policeman: Right, we'll comb the area immediately!

Joke 17
Q. Where do snooker players go to drink?
A. Potters Bar!

Joke 18
Doctor doctor! I think I'm an apple!
Well sit down then, I won't bite you!

Joke 19
Q. What do jelly babies wear in the rain?
A. Gumboots!

Joke 20
Q. Where does a 30 stone Sumo wrestler sit on a train?
A. Anywhere he wants!

Joke 21
Q. When should you feed tiger's milk to a baby?
A. When it's a baby tiger!

Joke 22
Q. What do you call a sleeping bull?
A. A bulldozer!

Joke 23
Q. What has four eyes and a mouth?
A. The Mississippi!

Joke 24
Q. What walks on its head all day?
A. A drawing-pin stuck in your shoe!

Joke 25
Customer: Waiter - this egg tastes off.
Waiter: Don't blame me Sir. I only laid the table!

Joke 26
Q. What's the difference between a pill & a hill?
A. One is hard to get up, and the other is hard to get down!

Joke 27
Man: Waiter, what's this?
Waiter: It's bean soup.
Man: I don't care what it's been, what is it now!

Joke 30
"Did that medicine I gave your Uncle straighten him out?"
"It sure did, they buried him yesterday!"

Joke 31
Q. What did one street say to the other?
A. You run along and I'll meet you at the corner!

Joke 32
Did you hear about the chicken that wanted to take dancing lessons?
She wanted to be a hentainer!

Joke 33
Teacher: Tell me one common link between all the great explorers
Tom: They're all dead!

Joke 34
Q. What kind of horse could become head of a city?
A. A Mayor!

Joke 35
Q. What kind of fishes would you need if, your shoes wore out?
A. Soles & eels!

Joke 36
Q. What do angry mice send each other at xmas?
A. Cross-mouse cards!

Joke 37
Mother: I want to take your brother to the Zoo.
Elder Son: If they want him, they can come and get him!

Joke 38
Passenger: How long will the next train to Galway be?
StationMaster: About six carriages!

Joke 39
Q. How do Indians send secret messages?
A. They use smokeless fuel!

Joke 40
Mother: Why are you makeing faces at that bulldog?
Anne: Well he started it!

Joke 41
Q. What runs around a garden, but never moves?
A. A fence!

Joke 42
Bookseller: This excellent book will do half your work
Jim: Good, I'll take two!

Joke 43
Q. Why did an explorer pay Ł10 for a sheet of sandpaper?
A. He thought it was a map of the Sahara Desert!

Joke 44
My dog can jump 10 meters!
My do can jump higher than my house!
I don't believe you!
It's true. Mind you, our house can't jump very high!

Joke 45
Q. When is a man-eating tiger likely to enter your house?
A. When the door is open!

Joke 46
My crocodile is called Camera - he is always snapping!

Joke 47
Q. What do monsters eat for breakfast?
A. Dreaded wheat!

Joke 48
Q. Why are cows kept in a pasture?
A. So they will give pasturised milk!

Joke 49
Q. Why does a sheep have a woolly coat?
A. Well, they'd look sill in a plastic raincoat!

Joke 50
Q. What is bright blue, wrinkled and weighs five tonnes?
A. An elephant holding its breath!

Joke 51
Q. What do you give a nervous elephant?
A. Trunkquillisers!

Joke 52
Q. How do you get Pikachu on a bus?
A. You pokémon!

Joke 53
Q. What is green and hairy and goes up and down?
A. A gooseberry in a lift!

Joke 54
Q. What is blue and hairy and goes up and down?
A. A gorilla bungey jumping, holding his breath!

Joke 55
Q. What is thick, yellow, and highly dangerous?
A. Shark infested custard!

Joke 56
Q. What is the difference between a sock and a camera?
A. One take five toes, and one takes photos!

Joke 57
Q. What is bad tempered, but loves apple crumble?
A. Apple grumble!

Joke 58
Q. What do you call phantom doctors?
A. Surgical spirits

Joke 59
Q. How do you keep an idiot in suspence?
A. I'll tell you next week.

Joke 60
Q. How do you confuse an idiot?
A. Blue.

Joke 61
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie-talkie!

Joke 62
Q. How do you get rid of an old boomerang?
A. You through it up a one way street!

Joke 63
Q. If an egg came floating down the River Thames, where would it have come from?
A. A hen!

Joke 64
Q. When is a door not a door?
A. When its a jar!

Joke 65
Q. What do you get is you cross a cow with a camel?
A. A Lumpy milkshake!!

Joke 66
Q. What is black and comes out of the ground shouting "Knickers, knickers, knickers"?
A. Crude oil!

Joke 67
Q. What is black and comes out of the ground shouting "Ladies underwear, Ladies underwear, Ladies Underwear"?
A. Refined oil!

Joke 68
Q. Why did the horse cross the road?
A. Because it was the chicken's day off!

Joke 69
Q. Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
A. To see his flat-mate!

Joke 70
Q. Why did the one handed man cross the road?
A. To go to the second-hand shop!

Joke 71
Q. What is yellow and stupid?
A. Thick custard!

Joke 72
Q. Why should you never swim on an empty stomach?
A. Because it is much easier to swim in water!!

Joke 73
Q. What goes 99 bump?
A centipede with a wooden leg!

Joke 74
Q. Why couldn't the skeleton go to the party?
A. Because he didn't have any body to go with!

If you would like to submit a joke to this site, email me at the address below:
(no rude/obscene jokes will be displayed... well, most)

Contact me: webmaster <dot> michael <at> curry <dot> f2s <dot> com

© 2005 Michael Curry
Originally transcribed from crackers 7 May 2000
Transferred from mikecurry.fsnet.co.uk 28 December 2004
Last updated 15 October 2005